Extra info: Cannon . Ice is MIA, so unfinished . The first post of Ice was merged into his last adventure at the same Island so the reviewer should consider that .
Banaro Island is an island that is very close to Water 7, but is not part of the Sea Train route. This island is known to have huge rocks that face up in different directions called Banana Rock. There was an unnamed Wild West theme town here.
"GUNGUNGUNGUN!!" A loud laugh echoed in the whole building. X was amused by this man who dared to challenge him in a gun fight. "Alright, you deserve respect for this. I'm following you." X was craving for rum but he couldn't ignore a challenge such as this one. His honor was at stakes. Walking...
Ranger's review: @Larsi
-Personality: 15 (could have been more in depth, but it was good)
-Story Progression: 19 (did a good job controlling multiple characters, but some pacing was rushed)
-Combat Prowess: 15 (good but some over playing of ability)
-Descriptions: 17 (generally very good)
-Enjoyable: 17 (averaging scores)
-Post Count: 57
-Rule Break: 1 (too many moves per turn, stamina on Enel overplayed in beginning)
noncanon EXP: 30359 + 10% = 33394.9 EXP
@Ziosa
-Personality: 15 (fair for RPing several characters some posts didn't have much)
-Story Progression: 12 (didn't finish story lol)
-Combat Prowess: 16 (good for RPing multiple characters)
-Descriptions: 16 (usually good, sometimes more descriptions than other times)
-Enjoyable: 15 (averaging scores)
-Post Count: 14
-Rule Break: 0
noncanon EXP: 6581 + 10% = 7239 EXP
Drago's review: I’m going to start off saying that these individual posts review that I’m doing is for if I feel like I need to mention anything about that post of yours. If I have nothing to say about it, I won’t go into it. It doesn’t mean I don’t think your post is good or didn’t read it.
Kiki’s score
Personality: 17
Story Progression: 16
Combat Prowess: 15
Description: 17
Enjoyability: 17
Rule breaks: 1
Post Count: 29
Experience: 23,168
1st post thoughts: try to avoid saying “Kiki thought”, mix it up with some other ways of describing you thinking to spice it up. Also, try describing the facial expression that goes Kiki is having while he’s thinking. I’ve noticed in the first post where there wasn’t much of that and it just felt like a bland face thinking a bunch. One thing I liked about your first post is how much internal thought you did, minus the lack of expression part. You showed the reader your plan and strategy for the story.
2nd post: wha-wha-wha? What happened to all that thinking from the first post? Less narration, more Kiki thoughts and facial expressions. It would have been great if you described the gate more. You just said a giant arch in the form a star and that didn’t give me much to work with. How big was it? How long did the arms of the star extend? Etc. Same thing with the description of the old person. Didn’t even tell me the gender of them lol? Old, short, wrinkly isn’t much. To give you an example of what I’m looking for, read how Larsi described it. Soft clouds encompassed the entire area, like fluffy hills, fading into the distance. In front a large golden and white sun was adorned with a crimson sign, golden letters reading "Heaven's Gate". Under the sign a wide tunnel went through, leading up behind, into a pillar that rose up into the sky up above. Click. A bright light flashed towards the ship, fading to reveal a small lady.
3rd post: Imo, this post of yours could use a line like this even with the pain of smiling so much, Kiki was nothing but determined to not let an ugly photo be taken of him and then added some more inner thought. Just how I feel about it.
4th post: could have described how this “me-sized rollercoaster” occurred from and what made the ship fly. The way you answered Lepi’s question wasn’t natural. You just remembered it out of nowhere. Something like this would have made it much better. Kiki caught Lepi’s staring at him expectantly like he was awaiting an answer to a question. Kiki frowned and tried to remember what Lepi last said. And then after that, you remember his question and then answer it.
5th post: your entire post just makes me go lol. Idk why.
6th post: show me how Kiki is furious by describing his face, body movements like throwing up hands, and stuff like that. Don’t just leave it at Kiki was furious with nothing else.
7th post: I don’t understand. How did you suddenly just jump to having enough of those guards and fighting them? I don’t have a problem with the conclusion of fighting but the progress there was zip. It didn’t flow well.
9th post: you need to do more description of Kiki himself. The thinking, expression, all that. I hardly knew how Kiki was feeling in this post. What he was thinking.
10th post: I liked the dialogue. The argument with yourself was nice, but I just wish that you can describing Kiki’s body language and face during this scene. Something like Kiki walked back and forth in circles. One hand on his chance, vigorously caressing it as he was deep in thought. Each few seconds, his eyes blazed with delight and brows shot up each time he thought up an idea. But almost as instantly he adopted a defeated look as he realized how ineffective it was.
11th post: Kiki is a wild one. He’s got the personality of a child in a way. Just doing copying whatever he sees, getting distracted so easily and wanting to please his friends and do anything to help, as with him being a taxi. I personally like it. For some inexplicable reason. You use this phrase a lot. Try to spice it up with something different.
12th post: if only you could have described Kiki’s ferocity instead of just saying he was furious.
14th post: good description for the most part when it came to describing Kiki losing it and only thinking about fighting.
15th post: His mind would probably have even entertained the idea that is captain stole body parts from a giant and have been hiding it from Kiki to spare his feelings. Kiki would have been flattered at the very idea and would probably have gained immense respect for his captain but he didn't notice, nor was his mind affected by the possible distraction from his goal. His goal being to destroy the so-called priest and false prophet. You’re going too far to explain how Kiki would be feeling if he saw Joby intervene. It’s a what-if that is unnecessary and irrelevant to dive into. Since he didn’t notice Joby, writing all this added nothing to the story then. Keep it linear. If you wanted to add all that, then you should have made Kiki notice Joby’s interference. Get some internal thought into your combat posts.
18th post: Kiki had a quick flashback about his captain's handless arm and shivered. "I'll not let that stuff touch me!" He was determined. What was the flashback? Can’t just give us that with no information afterwards. Come on now.
19th post: should have described what a panic mode Kiki looks like. What does he do? How does he act? How does he feel on the inside?
23rd post: "The gold its melting like ice cream! Some sweet caramel covered ice cream!" good use of similes and imagery right here. Do more of that.
24th post: ANNAL! Lmao, man why you gotta do this? Doing my man’s Enel dirty bruh.
28th post: I believe this post of yours is the peak of your description in this entire thread. It felt like a scene out of a fantasy book. I like it a lot. Good job.
FINAL POST: the Captain had finally fully recovered and gave the order that they had to start moving on with their journey. I’m pretty sure this is controlling. Joby didn’t give an order for that in her previous post.
Joby’s score
Personality: 24
Story Progression: 20
Combat Prowess: 19
Description: 23
Enjoyability: 25
Post Count: 31
Rule break: 1
Experience: 38,882
1st post thoughts: the description is very good. I could make a near perfect image of what was going on in my head and could almost feel like it was happening too. One gripe of mine here is the flow of a couple sentences. Especially this one: If anyone should fall off, he could catch them like this..... Maybe .A small fish falls out of the sky above them and heads toward Joby's face! When you said it, it felt out of place with the previous sentence. You said one thing and then something completely different from the next. It would have been better if you instead thought of the catching ppl falling off part, than letting narration do it, then you could have said Before joby could finish her thought, a small fish came flopping down towards her! You get me? Shalki-tan keeps rattling on about some asshole going around calling himself 'God'... I am confused. Shalki didn’t say this in his first post. I think this is controlling.
2nd post: the way you went out and gave your opinion on some posts given by your crew is something I liked about your 2nd post. It’s interesting seeing your views about what they said. BUT. What I didn’t like is the lack of expression given to show how joby felt. I could see it a bit in the dialogue but I’d like it reaffirmed through facial expression, body language, etc. Joby's expression turns to one of smelling-shit and his tears dry up almost immediately. This here is more like it.
4th post: seeing the interactions with your crew is a marvelous touch. Shows a level of appreciation and love lacked in other organizations. Like you being amazed by Kiki’s power suit and automatically wanting one is a detail that expands your own character. Not hesitating to talk to your crew unprovoked(meaning how most ppl only talk with their peers to move the story along or when first talked to). You go out of your way and I like it. AIN’T NOBODY SAFE FROM JOBYMAMUSHI’S OPINIONS.
5th post: damn, the little details to characterize your character some more and give their thought on everything. I’m loving it! That small focus on the cloudy ground is just great.
6th post: how you countered Enel’s attack was definitely creative but by throwing the electricity to ground, you still ended up hurting your crew a little bit through their feet.
7th post: damn bro, your reaction to hearing about Shalki’s mom, one would almost think that it was your mom who died. Great portrayal of being a sensitive and empathetic person.
8th post: “STILL ON THE GOD FORSAKEN BEACH”
9th post: what am I about to say here I’ve noticed to be a common thing in all of your posts so far but it’s quite prevalent in this one. Lack. Of. In. Ter. Nal. Thought. A lot of what you said could in this post could have been translated into internal thought or dialogue. It’s a lot nicer to see Jobymamushi say it herself instead of boring narration. But there is a positive in your post though. The dreamland addition is intriguing. It’s hard for me to articulate what about it is a positive but just know that I do like it and I find it to be a nice piece.
11th post: great description of your surroundings. It gave me a clear view and image of where everybody was what and what was actually going on. Also, we finally hit a big milestone in the story where the crew splits up and we’re heading closer and closer to Enel.
12th post: the tone of this post is calm and tense at the same time. It feels tense like with how you described Shalki. Made me feel like there was something big coming up. You did this while retaining a calm atmosphere. It all felt natural. Idk if this was intentional or not but if so, well done.
13th post: damn bud. Stop cutting those onions. Had me tearing up here over what you thought was Xatch’s death.
14th post: "That wasn't Xatch." Perfect reply to everything that just transpired in your post. Perfect post. Even better response.
15th post: if description could be translated into strength, then the description in this post would be strong enough to send Kaido flying. This shit was top tier. One bad thing that bothered me tho. Jobymamushi uses a drilling motion with his tiger fork, attempting to catch the three teeth of Ohm's own fork up in the teeth of his! If he is successful, Ohm's Eisen Fork will be caught up within Joby's weapon--like twirling spaghetti around a dinner fork--as he then violently yanks his right arm back towards himself, attempting to cause Ohm to loose his footing and balance--leaving the Iron Priest vulnerable to attack! This is a massive run-on sentence mate. Add some periods or semicolons to break it apart. It’s a nitpick but it really did bother me.
16th post: ok, that first paragraph with you talking about the ancient civilization and stuff, it was nice but it felt really out of place. It did not fit with the situation that you were in at the moment. You’re fighting Ohm, but all of a sudden start talking about the ancient civilization. Imo, it would have been much better if you were talking about it before you met Ohm. When you had just gotten to that location. His fists and his tiger fork were like bullets, his shoulders and elbows like pistons, his 'vital force' like gunpowder, his intention like a finger on a hair-trigger: what target could truly escape him now? Damn, all those similes. I like that. Just try mixing it up with more poetic devices instead of just a simile.
19th post: you’re really in-depth with how you describe your attacks. It makes it easier to visualize and stuff like that. Good shit.
23rd post: how do you make an already fabulous post better? Add some Jojo into it! ORA ORA your heart out Jobymamushi!
24th post: aight, aight. I’ve always thought Cpt.’s description was the best in RP but now I don’t know what to think anymore. You give him more than a run for his money! This is the type of shit I expect in books by professional authors, not in RP. To say the description in this post is great, hell, amazing, would be a criminal understatement.
25th post: do you write books? Yeah, you write books, don’t you? The way you write, it’s like you are the one creating the story. I know this is RP and that’s the point but what I mean is that I can just read your posts and get all the info I need without having to read anybody else’s posts(anybody else in your location, Larsi, and Smiley). You do a good job enough describing the surroundings, the other characters themselves, and just explain very well what the hell is going on. You’re also inadvertently describing the other characters’ personalities too. You really are the Author of the story, of any story. Joby the Author. I like that.
27th post: I think you might have overplayed your stamina a little bit what that gear 2nd. With using gear 2nd+3rd combined for so long before, I don’t think you did enough to showcase how tired you are imo.
30th post: Joby’s Dreamland...is there a train that goes to this location? BECAUSE I WANT A TICKET TO THIS MAGICAL LAND!! Holy fucking hell Joby. You really are a goddamn author! I want you to make a book of Joby’s Dreamland, just make a wholeass book ok? Ship to me the first copy, and I will read every single goddamn page and that damn book! This is magnificent. A masterpiece! It’s like the equivalent of the wonderful Mona Lisa in words. Just. Fuck. Ing. Spectacular. I rated that post with the heart emoji. I’ve given out that type of rating only once ever since I’ve been on this forum. So your post as special as special can get.
31st post: go write a book. Go write a fucking book. Become an author and make bank my girl.
Personality: 21
-Shalki is an awesome character, so many layers. Pride for his homeland, anger at Enel, respect for his Captain, mourning his mother etc. I expect his return to be epic
All of your NPCS and flashback characters are done well too.
Story Progression: 18
-Your desire for revenge against Enel was a big focus early on to set everything up and your flashbacks later on do a good job of fleshing out your backstory a bit.
Combat Prowess: 19
Description: 19
Enjoyable: 20
Post Count: 24
Rule Breaks: 0
@Meme City
Canon EXP Gained: 18,332 (+10%: 20,166)
Personality: 17
-Personality was good, you did a great job differentiating your characters from each other but nothing stood out to me in particular.
Story Progression: 14
-You didn't really have a big impact on the overall story outside of fighting and making inventions for others.
Combat Prowess: 13
Description: 16
Enjoyable: 16
Post Count: 26
Rule Breaks: 2 (For controlling the size of Fuza's fire and autohitting Fuza with your bubble rifle)
Overall comments:
There were some very quick switches in direction that left me with whiplash, but other than that it was an alright thread, for what got finished.
Combat prowess scores were so low because there was almost no fighting.
Gintoki's score
Personality: 16
Story Progression: 16
Combat Prowess: 16
Description: 17
Enjoyability: 14
Post Count: 10
Experience: 5144
We see room lightened by the rays of the sun a room filled with light. Fam, this is redundant. There's no need to say filled with light when you already said that it's lightened.
I enjoyed Vergo while reading this but the way the fight started didn't feel as smooth as it should have been. It was kinda rushed and the reasoning for it "to see what you're made of" is ok, you could have definitely had Vergo show some interest in Nero first before just saying "let's fight".
Oreki's score
Personality: 17
Story Progression: 15
Combat Prowess: 17
Description: 15
Enjoyability: 15
Rule break: 1
Post Count: 11
Experience: 8487
I then cupped my hands noting the water was cold but good enough to freshen me up. I felt the cold water. This is redundant. We already know that you feel the cold water because you said it in the first sentence(italicized). No need to say it again.
Nero stopped, now looking at Vergo as he made a wild grab, caught the Vergo by the collar, and gripped his hand tight. He kept one hand clenched on Vergo's collar. You controlled Vergo right here by not giving Gintoki a chance to react to the grab attempt. You should be RPing that you made an attempt to grab Vergo, not that you had already grabbed him.
So overall, the fight felt pretty lackluster. It didn't have enough impact it should have at the end when Vergo being a spy was revealed. I feel like this was due to how short it was as it imo could have definitely gone longer. Otherwise, It was aight.
Gintoki's score
Personality: 14
Story Progression: 14
Combat Prowess: 15
Description: 13
Enjoyability: 13
Post Count: 6
Experience: 3845
I very much disliked how you introduced the different versions of Link through narration. It was boring. You could have added some dialogue to give us an impression of their personality.
You're descriptive but very bland and static. Try finding different ways to say the same thing. Use different words. Just something. Spice it up. Here's an example for reference "She had pewter-colored hair set in a ruthless permanent, a hard beak, and large moist eyes with the sympathetic expression of wet stones."(this is not a piece of writing by me btw, I googled it).
The description for Akuma hatred for abuse of the weak was meh at best. I couldn't feel it. You could have definitely done more to showcase his disgust instead of just saying he frowned in annoyance and honestly, that doesn't do well to describe his hatred too. It only tells me he's annoyed and not that he has resentment for those sorts of actions.
You have so many run-on sentences, my dude. This, for example, Akuma darted right in front of Buggy coating his entire arm as he stood right in front of Buggy with intent to kill as he cupped his hands together focusing his wrath of the innocent's being pushed as he hardened his arms going into his palms. It's too much man. It reduces the smoothness of your post and makes it look worse than it should. It sounds like you're trying to say(or type) everything in one breath. Use some periods or semicolons. Lastly, stop using "as" so much.
Oreki's score
Personality: 16
Story Progression: 15
Combat Prowess: 15
Description: 14
Enjoyability: 14
Post Count: 5
Original Post By: roogy The bounty hunter used Jango as a human shield. This meant that Jango was slashed. The shock and pain of the attack snapped Jango out of his hypnosis. He felt weak as he began to bleed. Before passing out, he whispered to the bounty hunter, "Hey listen, alright. You can...
“GUST SLICE!" Jimmy shouts as the attack flies towards his opponents. Dodging it…. it’s too late for that. His brain quickly calculated that he has no escape routes The odds of him getting out of this situation was nearly down to nothing, this attack from this man was too high for his liking if...
Frayz's Score
Personality: 17
Story Progression: 16
Combat Prowess: 14
Description: 12
Enjoyability: 15
Post Count: 10
Experience: 7050
Even with Haki, how would you know Mia was a revolutionary? That's impossible. Haki doesn't reveal one's intentions.
Oh, nevermind. I found the reason why as I read through.
Oreki's Score
Personality: 17
Story Progression: 15
Combat Prowess: 14
Description: 13
Enjoyability: 15
Post Count: 9
Experience: 4230
Personality seems to be your strong point. You did a good describing Kuro and his ultimate goal and only care for that. Also, that piece about where he felt at peace in isolation was a nice touch.
There's a problem with your narration. You talk like it's first-person narration when instead using 3rd person. What is mean is this "Since it was her, she probably knew who was coming inside just from his footsteps. Her perception is good." You would say something like this in first-person where you don't know what she's thinking but just making educated guesses on what you know. The "probably" is not fit for 3rd person as the narrator, you know everything. So why would you say probably? It's a casual laid-back tone not fit for 3rd person, but good for first. Go read some books. You'll see what I mean.
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