Fisherman and Friends (Lifestyle and Locales/Causerie)
A column by community correspondent Santiago Bill
A Bonvivant's Barcrawling Bible for Beginners
Ahoy, mateys! Yer man Bill here! 'Tis never been a secret that this old fart's no stranger to livin' it up wherever there's a horizontal board and a man polishing a glass. I been scraped off the floors of every bar between the Twin Capes and Tortuga, and so a lotta readers send in fer me to share me vast expertise. So I sure had to oblige, hadn't I?
Yer first concern ought be where to youse are headed. If'n yer after some hobnobbing in them swanky cocktail bars, black velvet coat and matching hat to complete the image of a wayward noble are imperative, while the skint feller heading into the dive bar can almost do with the Emperor's new clothes. But be warned, there be establishments where the hostesses bare their threepennys and yer not allowed to do the same!
Having attuned yerself and yer wardrobe with the watering hole that fits yer coin purse, the next step be taking in the patrons. Faced with a crowd of marines or pirates, best just drink quietly at the counter. Both groups're bound to cause ye grief if they don't like the cut of yer jib, and wherever there gather lots of sailors there be those that seek to pressgang you into their number. Be also on the lookout for mysterious hooded figures sitting in dark corners, which you'll find in most places of seedy repute. Sittin' with these fellers will get you suckered into a quest for sure. I remember that one time in the Prancing Pony... [Cut for Brevity by the News Co. Editors]
You shan't drink on an empty stomach, and so you'd be well advised to mind the menu provided. Lots of bars have an assortement of ancient snack foods they will try to foist off on ya, like pickled eggs from the last century or pretzels salty enough to suck all the moisture out of ya. If it's a Bar & Grill, yer in safe hands, but if they offers you a meat pie floater and you can still see them right side up, you're not drunk enough to eat it.
Yer best friends will be those regulars already one sheet in the wind at the counter. Buy a round of drinks when you enter, and you'll drink for free the rest of the night. Drink the best booze ye can, and don't be afraid to ask fer credit. Proprietors are used to it, or if yer lucky one falls for it. If you really can't postpone paying yer tab, start a good row with your new friends. Can't be yelled at for being broke while unconscious on the floor.
But the most important factor in your bar going experience is the person behind the counter. The barman, like a captain of a landbound ship, determines the course of your evening. While they polish a glass, you can order from them with just a nod or empty your heart out to them. Aside from perfectly drawn beers they can dispense gentle wisdom, or, with the cosh stored just below the bar, put your lights out if you get too rowdy. After all, nobody would be daft enough to serve alcohol to someone they couldn't handle drunk. You'll find that most times, the bartender is the strongest and meanest fighter in the whole bar.
A good barman will keep an accurate tab for you without fudging any numbers, but then cheats you out of your change. And once I retire in 30 years, that's what you'll find Old Bill doing, indulging himself in his own bar. And if you keep this paper, it'll be a coupon for a free drink!
Cheers, Sláinte, Prosit,
Santiago Bill
Morgans News Co. apologizes for the delay in Fisherman and Friends column releases, our correspondent Bill has been hard to reach as of late. Because the Sweet Pirates keep killing all the News Coo that come near. News Co. urges you to drink responsibly and not to drink and sail.
OOC: I don't drink and don't go to bars, so this is all 100% accurate and you should follow all the advice Bill gives here.